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The First National Boot 



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The First National Boot 



A Farce in Two Acts 



By M. G. 

Intended for performance by male characters 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

1914 



The First National Boot 



CHARACTERS 



"Isry" Ebbetts, owner of Hamden s Center Store. 
Eddy Rias, his clerk. 

Andrew Strong, a mysterious stranger from Portland. 
Francesca Willets ) members of Hamden 's 
Edwina Bemis j Reform League. 

Archenbachus Herodotus Snooze, a member of Pinkutri 's De- 
tective Agency. 
Foggerty Young, town constable. 
Thomas Rustan, a practical joker. 
Squire Peckham, chairman of the town council. 
Farmers. 



SYNOPSIS 

Act I. The interior of Hamden' s Center Store late Friday 
afternoon. 
Act II. The same, slightly before midnight. 




Copyright, 1914, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 

§>CI.D 37872 
TAfP9 ^ 0092^ fiUG l71914 



The First National Boot 



ACT I 

SCENE. — The scene opens in Hamderi 's Center Store, a com- 
bined hardware, grocery a?id dry-goods store. There are 
two entrances to the room, the first on left, leading sup- 
posedly to the storekeeper' s own house, the other at center 
back leading to the porch. Through this door may be seen 
a view of the country. On the right of the mam entrance is 
a small enclosed space marked "Post-office," with a window 
which may be opened when the postmaster gives out the 
mail; otherwise this is closed. Co imters run perpendicular 
to the footlights, covered with various goods, behind which 
are shelves containing more. The walls are covered with 
pictures of famous men and game laws, hi the center of the 
store is a small stove, about which there are several three- 
legged stools. Directly over these hangs one lofiely rubber 
boot, suspended fro?n which is a sign, reading " Good 
Luck." 

(When the curtain rises, three farmers are discovered sitting 
about the stove. The storekeeper knotvn as "Isry " Eb- 
betts stands behind the counter left, smoking a corn-cob 
pipe.) 

First Farmer. 'Tain't for nothing they are raisin' all this 
hulabaloo. I tell you they mean business. 

Second Farmer (eyeing Isry). You're right, Joe, and my 
wife told me t'other day, sort of confidential like, that they was 
a-going to make it right smart for the offenders. 

Isry. What be they up to, George ? Any idea ? 

Third Farmer. They got spies. 

All. Spies ? 

Third Farmer. Right, spies ! Hired 'em from Boston. 
They say if this here town's prohibition, it's going to be pro- 

3 



4 THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 

hibition and so they hired a detective. At least, that's what I 
was told. 

All. Well, I swan ! 

Second Farmer {eyeing Isry). So we, representin' the 
official body of selectmen, Isry 

Isry. Yes, I hear yuh ! I hear yuh. 

Second Farmer {?iervously). We, representin' the select- 
men of Hamden, thought that you — of course we don't want to 
interfere with your trade because, there's no gettin' round it, 
it's the best trade the town has — at least since it's gone prohibi- 
tion. So we, representin' the selectmen, thought you'd better 
kind of lay low till the wimen's clubs kind of subside. Ain't 
that so, boys ? (He takes out watch.') 

Farmers. Sure pop ! 

Isry {taking out watch). Yes, I get yer meaning. But 
say, what do you think of Hamden's Social Reform League, 
Joe ? What do you think ? 

First Farmer {taking out watch). Pretty low, Isry, pretty 
low, but I reckon it won't last long. Say, ain't that train 
about due ? 

{All regard watches.) 

Isry {scanning watch). Yes, I guess she ought to be along 
pretty soon. 

First Farmer. She ought to toot now — no, I guess she's 
late. 

Isry. Late 1 I should say so. I've lived here for forty-eight 
years and she's only been on time twice. 

Third Farmer {pulling beard). Well, the Boston and 
Maine ain't what it used to be when I was a boy — it never 
came then. {Chuckles.) 

{Shrill railroad whistle.) 

First Farmer {after pause). Good Lord ! what's hap- 
pened ? She must be on time. 

{All the Farmers rush to the porch and then begin running 
down road.) 

Third Farmer {outside). So-long, Isry — don't forget what 
we told yuh. So-long ! 

(Isry stands for a moment on porch then returns to c.) 



THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 5 

Isry. I want to know ! What right have the women folks 
got to interfere with my selling liquor in this here town if I so 
prefer? If it warn't for me their men folks would be goin' 
down to Boston every other day and bringin' back all sorts of 
hard drinks. Now they get just what they want, reasonable 
price. Everything going fine, when all of a sudden Francesca 
Willetts has a visit from her Aunt Edwina, reformer, socialist 
and the Lord knows what else. The next day, by Jingo ! 
Hamden's Reform League comes into existence, the next day 
a meeting in the town hall, next the school has a holiday, all 
to discuss Wimen's Rights and Social Reform. (He ope?is 
cash drawer, extracting a few dollars a fid goes to door at c.) 
Jumping Crickets ! let 'em have their rights, but they can't take 
mine away, not by a durn sight. {Regards money.) Busi- 
ness poor to-day, I reckon, but it will be a heap sight poorer if I 
can't sell my whiskey. {Glances out door.) Wal ! guess it's 
safe now. They all be down at the station watching the choo- 
choo come in. Some education watching that choo-choo come 
in. (He returns to counter and by means of a string lowers 
rubber boot to floor. He then puts bills into it, chuckling to 
himself and raises it to its former position.) Right smart 
place to hide it, I'm a-thinkin'. Where no thieves can 
break through and steal. Wal ! I guess I'll go down to the 
station and get the mail. (Shouts.) Oh, Eddy ! Oh, Eddy ! 
(Outside, Eddy Rias replies, " Commin' , Isry — commin\ n ) 
Going to get the mail ; tend store, Eddy. [Exit, c. 

Enter Eddy, l., reading town paper. 

Eddy. Wal, between the Women's Reform League and 
startling robberies by Nine-Fingered Pete and the mysterious 
selling of intoxicating liquors, Hamden's gettin' to be some 
burg, and to add to this a stranger's been staying at the inn. 
First guest they had for a long time but still he seems sort of a 
harmless guy. (Andrew Strong appears on porch.) Hulloa ! 
Speak of the devil and he appears. 

Enter Strong, c. 

Strong. Hulloa ! Is Mr. Ebbetts at home ? 
Eddy. No, down at the station, I'm a-thinkin'. 
Strong. My name's Strong, Andrew Strong from Port- 
land. 

Eddy. That's strange. , 



6 THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 

Strong. What's strange ? 

Eddy {lighting pipe). Nothing save your bein' all the way 
from Portland. Ninety miles — powerful distance. 

Strong {very excited). Is every one down at the station? 

Eddy. Yes. 

Strong. When will they be back ? 

Eddy. Five or six minutes, I suspect. 

Strong {emphasis). That's too bad — not long enough. 

Eddy {surprised). Hey? 

Strong {putting his hand on Eddy's arm). I've been 
watching you for a week and you're not a bad sort. {Sud- 
denly.) Rias, I want you to help me carry out a little scheme. 

Eddy. Me ? 

Strong. Exactly ! There's a chance for a fortune if we 
only use discretion and caution. In the first place, this Isry 
Ebbetts's pretty close, isn't he ? Says he's poor as mud, doesn't 
he? 

Eddy. You bet ! Why, he said the other day sort of con- 
fidential like if the Lusitannia was selling for two cents, he 
couldn't even buy a gangplank. 

Strong. That's what I thought. Kind of treated you bad, 
ain't he? 

Eddy {bewildered). Jumping crickets ! Whobeyuh? 

Strong. Strong, Andrew Strong ; but that's neither here 
nor there. 

Eddy. It ain't ? 

Strong. No. But to get down to it ; you've heard about 
Isry Ebbetts' grandfather, Ebenezer, one of the richest farmers 
that ever lived ? 

Eddy. Sure. 

Strong. And you've probably heard that when he died 
there wasn't a cent to be found. Think of it, Eddy, all his 
money hidden somewhere and not a soul knew where it was. 
You remember that 

Eddy. Yes — yes. I remember. They took down every 
blessed stone and plank in this here house, trying to find it ; at 
least so my father said they did. 

Strong. Did they ? 

Eddy. They did ! 

Strong. Well, to make a long story short, my father bought 
an old-fashioned sideboard from Isry's father after the old man 
had died. Do you get me? 

Eddy {very excited). Yes, yes, you were saying 



THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 7 

Strong {calmly). Yes, I was saying — {slowly) in that side- 
board 

Eddy {quickly). Was the treasure. 

Strong. No ! 

Eddy. It wa'n't? 

Strong. No ! But concealed in a secret drawer was a 
piece of paper which told exactly where it was. 

Eddy. Where was it ? I'll be durned ! Where is it ? 

Strong. Slowly now, slowly. On this piece of paper was 
a full description of how to find the Ebbetts fortune. Now, 
I've run myself into debt up town and my father's cut me off. 
Do you get me ? 

Eddy. Sure pop ! I ain't no fool. 

Strong. Now, of course the treasure is mine — ours, if we 
find it. But old Isry Ebbetts would be sure to raise some 
rumpus if we took it out from under his very nose, wouldn't he? 

Eddy. You bet ! A devil of a rumpus. 

Strong. So — we must get that treasure without his know- 
ing it, see ? 

Eddy. Sure ! But when ? 

Strong. To-night ! Meet me here at five minutes after 
twelve and we'll get that treasure. (Suddenly.) Half and 
half. I couldn't give you more than half. 

Eddy. Of course not, Andrew ; you're doing fair all right. 
At twelve-five I'll meet you outside the store and we'll enter 
by that window {pointing), but don't make no noise; the old 
man sleeps next door. 

Strong. Fine. I'll be here. (Going.) 

Eddy. Say, how much will thar be in that treasure ? 

Strong. I should say, on a rough guess, ten or fifteen 
thousand. 

Eddy {falling into chair). My Gawd ! What would Isry 
say? 

(Sound of voices^) 

Strong. Good gracious ! Buck up; some one's coming. 
Buck up, can't you ? Regain your poise, or we're lost. Don't 
you hear? (He pulls out silver flask and pours contents down 
Eddy's open mouth.) Come to, can't yuh? You look like a 
ghost. 

Eddy {smacking lips). Say ! that beats Isry's whiskey all 
to pieces. (Examines flask.) Say ! but this is some flask. 
My ! "A." "S." ; what's that? 



8 THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 

Strong. My initials, A. S. — Andrew Strong. Come to, 
old boy ; some one is coming. Quick ! (He pulls him from 
counter ; r., leaving flask on counter.} Act natural now. 
Look as if I was buying something. (He throws him over 
counter, l., just as Francesca Willets and Edwin a Bemis 
enter c. They proceed r. Strong meanwhile endeavors to 
save situation by talking.') That's it — no, no. That one 
there. They fit me like a dream. You're right; my father 
always did smoke them. ( Wipes brow.) Precisely ; my great- 
great-grandmother recommended them — Pippin. (Eddy stares 
in amazement.) Hey ! What's the matter? Give me a Pip- 
pin cigar ; they always 

Eddy. Kill— kill— kill. 

Strong (angry). What? 

Eddy. Mosquitoes ; at least, so Isry says. 

Strong. Say ! (Notices ladies.) Yes, yes, give me 

five. 

Eddy (handing him two bottles). So-long ! Come again. 

Strong (seizing bottles). We're lost ! [Exit c., angrily. 

Fran, (aside to Edw.). This is the place, Edwina. 

Edw. (aside to Fran.). It certainly looks it. Let me tell 
you, we'll get to the bottom of this affair if it takes all year. 
This town is prohibition, and prohibition it will remain. 
(Sniffs.) Ton my soul ! — Do you — do you 

Fran. Do I what ? Tell me, do I what ? 

Edw. Yes, we're in the right place. Can't you smell it, 
Francesca ? The aroma is quite noticeable. 

Fran, (sniffing). Heavens ! Now that you speak of it, it 
quite overcomes me. 

Eddy (endeavoring to attract attention by a fearful cough ; 
both ladies start and assume frigid attitude). Be yuh wantin' 
anything, Francesca ? 

Fran. No, thank you, we're waiting for the mail. (Aside 
to Edw.) Did you notice how queerly they was a-actin' when 
we come in? I calculate they was a-drinkin'. 

(Eddy sleeps in rear.) 

Edw. (sniffing near flask). I should say so ; the aroma is 
terrible. We must wait no longer ! Hamden's Social Reform 
Leaders must step to the front. I will lead, accompanied by 
you, my noble staff and body-guard. First, we must get proof, 
and then when the culprits are caught, run them out of town, 
tarred and feathered. Then think of our fame, think of the 



THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 9 

power Woman Suffrage will receive by this masterful stroke ! 
Think ! Think ! 

Fran, {breathlessly). Yes, I am, I am. 

Edw. Think of the names of Hamden's Women Reformers 
standing forever as martyrs for sex and reform ! Think of it, 
Francesca ! 

Fran. Glorious ! Glorious ! 

Enter Isry, carrying mail bag. Crowd of Farmers begin to 
collect 071 porch. Isry goes into partition marked " Post- 
Office " and begins to sort mail. 

Isry (thrusting head through windotv). Mornin', Francesca. 

Fran. Morning, Isry. 

Isry. Mornin', madame. 

Edw. Huh ! (Isry quickly disappears. To Fran.) There 
he is, the demon behind the scenes, breaking the laws laid 
down by the people, ruining our men folks, bringing an at- 
mosphere of filth about our children by selling intoxicating 
liquors to a bunch of weak-minded men. How can we catch 
him red-handed ? Think ! Think ! 

Fran, {suddenly). Edwina ! {Pause.) 

Edw. What ? 

Fran. How can we ? 

Edw. Huh ! Ah ! I have it ! We will come here to-night 
at eleven-thirty, hide in the post-office and catch the villain at 
his diabolical work. 

Fran. Glorious ! (Sees Isry.) Any mail ? 

Isry. None to-day. 

Edw. Come, let us go, Francesca. 

Fran l Good-day. [Exeunt c, bowing to group. 

Enter Thomas Rustan and Third Farmer; they advance 
forward. 

Rustan. Just wait till the old skinflint gets that letter. 
That will take him off his perch. 

Third Farmer. I want to know ! Tell me, Thomas, what's 
the joke ? 

Rustan. Wal, you know about the robberies around these 
parts by Nine-Fingered Pete? Well, I just wrote Isry a letter, 
saying that the Nine- Fingered one, along with the rest of his 
gang, would make away with all his concealed cash at ten 
minutes past twelve to-night. 



10 THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 

Third Farmer. Ho- ho ! Honest Injun ? Well, I swan ! 
I guess that will give a right smart scare, but still Isry's pretty 
clever. 

(Rustan passes to office and receives mail and exits c. 
Farmers follow his example until the stage is empty save 
for Isry a?id Eddy. Isry comes from behind post-office 
openifig letter.) 

Isry. A letter for me. Ain't many I get these days. 
Must be somethin' queer. Hulloa! What's this? {Reads.) 
"To Mr. Isry Ebbetts. Knowing you to be the proud pos- 
sessor of the Ebbetts fortune, we take the liberty of informing 
you that we will relieve you of said fortune to-night at twelve- 
ten. Thanking you in advance — Yours, Nine-Fingered Pete." 
Wal, I swan ! (His eye wanders to rubber boot and then with 
a start to sleeping Eddy.) Eddy ! Eddy ! 

Eddy {awaking). Yes, yes, of course. Pippins. Certainly 
Pippins. By all means, Pippins. They kill, they kill — they 

ki Wal, I'll be jiggered. Pardon me, Isry, I was 

a-dreamin'. 

(Isry, who has approached him, falls back, his hands raised 
in horror.) 

Isry. Eddy ! 

Eddy. Yes, Isry, what's the matter ? 

Isry. Matter ! You've been a-drinkin' my whiskey. 

Eddy. Sir ! 

Isry. Do you deny it? Do you deny it? Your breath 
belies your words. Go ! {Points door.) You are discharged. 
By Jingo ! Eddy Rias, this is a bad beginning of your career, 
stealing your employer's whisk — property. I can't overlook 
it; not by a durn sight. You are discharged. (Suddenly 
waves letter.) And come to think of it, be you that fathead 
who thought to scare me by this letter ? Be yuh ? 

Eddy {bewildered). Me, sir ! What do you mean? 

Isry. I mean — I mean the joker will pay for this. Now, 
go ! Don't you hear? Go ! You are discharged ; go 1 

(Eddy exits r. as Archenbachus Herodotus Snooze 
enters. Isry, overcome with anger, turns and beholds 
Snooze.) 

Snooze {allowing Isry's surprise to subside). Ebbetts? 



THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT II 

Isry. Yes, that's who I be. (Snooze presents card and 
while Isry inspects it, begins a tour of the room, inspecting 
every article. Isry reads.') " Archenbachus Herodotus 
Snooze, Member of Pinkum's Select Crime Hunters. Tele- 
phone 5732 Haymarket." Hulloa ! You're a detective, hey? 

Snooze. Precisely j your deduction is correct. I'm with 
Pinkum's this year. Known to my friends as Hangaround 
Snooze, nicknamed Catch-em-sure. 

Isry. No doubt you do. 

Snooze (still on tour). I'm here for two purposes, 
Ebbetts. 

Isry. Indeed ; what may they be ? 

Snooze (on l.). The first is to enjoy a little rest amidst 
the cool enchanting climate of Hamden. (He sees flask 071 
counter. Picks it up quickly. Aside.) His monogram, no 
doubt. (Smells it.) Scotch or Rye — Scotch. (He then 
quickly places it i?i his pocket.) Ah ! 

Isry (turning). Eh ! 

Snooze (yawning). Ah ! The second purpose as I was 
saying is to run down a criminal of the worst type (slowly), 
a seller of intoxicating liquor, a demon dealer in Scotch. This 
monster of iniquity I have already found. 

Isry. Who be he, Mr. Snooze, if I might inquire ? 

Snooze (very dramatic). You ! 

Isry. Me ? 

Snooze. Yes, you. My proof is complete. My good man, 
sorry as I 

Isry. Eh ! Your proof, your proof? 

Snooze. Is your flask found in this room, with your 
initials inscribed on it, filled with vile grogs of Scotch. Pretty 
fine, eh ? Twelve minutes off the train and the case is com- 
plete. Isry Ebbetts, whiskey smuggler, nabbed by Archen- 
bachus Herodotus Snooze. I can almost see it in print. 

Isry. Not so fast, Mr. Snooze, not so fast. Let's see that 
flask with my initials. 

Snooze (producing flask). Here's your flask. 

Isry (examining it carefully). Hulloa! What's this? 
Monogram A. S. (Pause.) Archenbachus Snooze. Wal, I'll 
be durned ; tried to scare me, hey ? Pull out your own flask 
and try to prove it's mine. Say, you be some detective. 

Snooze (taken aback). It must be somebody's; it's not 
mine. A. S. ; that's queer. [Regains poise.) Come now, 
Ebbetts, I've nothing againsl you. I see we're going to be 



12 THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 

great friends. But that flask belonged to some one of your 
customers. Must have, you know, if it was laying where I 
found it. Now just between you and I and the wall, who 
was it ? 

Isry. I don't know. I don't know. 

Snooze {drawing out ten dollar bill without letting Isry 
see it and dropping it directly behind him). Now, say, who 
was it? You're state's evidence; no harm to you, I assure you. 
Who was it? 

Isry. Couldn't say, couldn't say. 

Snooze {gazing at the ceiling). Say, you dropped some- 
thing, didn't you ? It's not mine. 

Isry {looking around and seeing bill). You say it ain't 
yours ? 

Snooze {winking at Isry). No, it ain't mine. 

Isry {slowly taking out wallet and counting bills, he then 
picks up Snooze's bill and puts it in his wallet). Then it 
must be mine. Much obliged, Snooze. I'd 'a' lost it if it 
hadn't been for you. 

Snooze {winking at Isry). Yes. 

Isry. Yes — but thanks to you I found it. Wal, it's time 
to close store, Snooze, so I'll have to ask you to go. So-long, 
Snooze. {Pockets flask.) 

Snooze. What ! 

Isry. So-long, Snooze; good-day. 

Snooze {raising hands in horror). Damnation. {.Retreats 
to c.) You'll pay for this, Ebbetts. Archenbachus Herodotus 
Snooze never forgets. Never. [Exit 

Isry {putting wallet into pocket with a smile of satisfaction 
and then extracting silver flask, he extracts his wallet and 
pats it, looks at boot over his head and murmurs). Not so 
bad, Isry, not so bad. 



CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — The same, at night. The moon shines in through 
windows on right, making it quite light. The doors are 
dosed and white sheets are thrown over the counters, giving 
a ghostly atmosphere. 

(Fran, and Edw. are discovered behind counter of post- 
office.) 

Edw. Ah ! My dear, tiresome as this may seem, I cannot 
help feeling our watch will be rewarded and our purpose ac- 
complished, and then think of our glory, think of how the 
women of Hamden will be admired by all good women of the 
world, and last but not least think of the shattered tyranny of 
Hamden's males. Their banners rent, defeated and vanquished 
by you and I, representing Hamden's Reform League. Think 
of the demon, Isry Ebbetts, riding tarred and feathered out of 
Hamden amidst the cheers of the excited populace. 

Fran. Glorious. 

Edw. Glorious ! It will be modern history acted and blended 
on the little stage of Hamden. {During the following speeches 
Edw. and Fran, become more and more sleepy.} Ah, ho! 
Sleepy is no name for it, but our interest must not wane for a 
moment. The night hawks may be here at any moment to fill 
themselves with old red eye Ebbetts' filthy whiskey and we 
must meet them as the women of Hamden would have us 
with 

Fran. Glory. 

Edw. No, no, with valor and spirit. Drive them away, 
seize the whiskey for evidence, handcuff Ebbetts. Ah, ho ! 
{Yawns.) Glorious, is it not? Alas ! a little nap could do no 
harm ; any noise however slight would be perceptible to our 
trained ears. (Fran, sleeps.*) To-morrow our fame is spread, 
to-morrow the world will know, to-morrow the day of dreams. 

(Sleeps. Soon Rustan appears at window and then quickly 
enters c. He carries bundle. After looking cautiously 
about, he proceeds to door l. and listens.) 

13 



14 THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 

Rustan. Wal, I guess it will turn out all right, unless I'm 
nabbed before I get away. It's kind of dangerous coming into 
the store here but it was too good a joke to let go by. If that 
letter made any impression on Isry, and it ought to, because he 
makes lots of money with his store and selling of liquors and 
never was he known to put one cent in the bank. Consequently, 
it must be somewheres around ; may be in this very room ; who 
knows ? (He unwraps bundle, extracting a sign on which is 
printed, " Nine- Fingered Pete." Placi?ig a stool imder 
rubber boot, he substitutes this neiu sign in place of the one 
marked " Good Luck.") Wal, I calculate that ought to catch 
the old flint's eye when it roams about. (^He gets down off 
chair placing it where he found it. Then he places the old 
sign over the door-k?wb of the main entrance.') Guess this will 
cause some talk around Hamden; if they don't blame Nine- 
Fingered Pete, the ghosts will have done it, so there will be 
excitement either way. I guess I'd better go now and come 
back later and see if anything happens. If it don't, the old 
red eye's slipped one over on me again, gosh durn him. 

[Exit, c. 

{Silence, broken by sighs from Fran. a?id Edw. Tinker- 
ing with window, r. // opens.) 

Strong. We're early. 

Eddy {outside). So we be, Strong. So we be. 

(Eddy and Strong creep through window. Strong carries 
electric torch.) 

Strong. Seems all right. 

Eddy. Yes, but appearances be deceitful, especially when 
your appearances aren't appreciated. 

Strong. Hush ! Don't talk; if we get found here, we're 
lost. 

Eddy. You don't say ? I should think we would be found, 
not lost. {Snores.) 

Strong. Shs-s-s ! I thought I heard a noise. 

Eddy. So you did. You heard my teeth ; they're rattling 
to beat jumping crickets. 

Strong. Come, we mustn't lose time. Go to the old man's 
door and listen. 

Eddy. Sure pop ! But you don't suppose there's any 



THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 1 5 

danger, do yuh ? {Creeps cautiously to door and listens. 
Shouts back.) Seems all right. 

Strong. Shut up ! Not so much noise. Haven't you any 
sense? Now to business. (They both advance toward foot- 
lights.') Remember if we're caught, every man for himself. 

Eddy. You bet. I won't forget that, not by a durn sight. 

Strong {taking out scrap of paper). Here are the direc- 
tions for finding the treasure of Isry's grandfather. Now listen 
carefully and absorb each item. Do you understand ? 

Eddy. Sure. 

Strong. Pay attention to what it says and follow me in 
every movement. (Reads.) "To find the fortune of Eben- 
ezer Ebbetts." Are you listening ? 

Eddy. Sure pop ! I ain't deaf. 

Strong. Then it says a little below, "One good turn de- 
serves another." What do you suppose that means ? 

Eddy. I don't know. It probably means that if we do 
a No, it can't be that ; ain't possible. 

Strong. What ain't possible ? 

Eddy. What I was thinking. 

Strong. What was that ? 

Eddy. Why — er — wal, I don't exactly know. But sup- 
posin' you and I were blood relations and Isry was our com- 
mon enemy, then if he should do us no good, then 

Strong. Shucks ! You ain't saying anything. 

Eddy. I knowed it. That's my point; it don't mean 
nothing. 

Strong. Come now, Rias, we can't afford to go off on any 
geometric tangent. You understand ? 

Eddy (bewildered). Sure. 

Strong. We can't lose time. {Reads.) " Stand directly 
under the chandelier in the west room and pace five steps 
to the right." This is the west room; now where is that 
chandelier ? 

Eddy (pointing to boot). Thar. 

Strong. You call that a chandelier ? 

Eddy. No. But it's where one used to be. {They stand 
directly beneath the rubber boot, and with aid of pocket lantern 
take five steps to the right. Both pause with o?ie foot in air.) 
Now what does it say ? Darn queer way of gettin' treasure. 

Strong (reading). "Face north." (They face window.) 
" Now take five steps right and perceive the omen of good 
luck." This begins to take on a happy aspect, Eddy. 



1 6 THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 

Eddy. It would if Isry saw us, by Jove ! (They take five 
steps, which places them directly below d. c.) I want to 
know ! Where be that lucky omen? 

Strong {turning light directly on " Good Luck " sign hung 
on door-knob). There it is, sure as you're alive. 

Eddy. Sweet spirits of nitre, I be a dead man. Say, 
Andrew, this begins to look real encouraging. 

Strong {reading). "From this point, three steps forward 
and four to the left." 

(They follow directions.} 

Eddy {suddenly rushing to door and seizing sign). Say, I 
just calculate I've seen this before. It used to hang on that 
lucky rubber boot of Isry's. {They flash light on boot.) 
'Peers it's still there. Say, what's this ? (Reads.) " Nine- 
Fingered Pete." 

Strong {jumping). Where? 

Eddy. There ! He's got here first, I'm a-thinkin'. 

Strong. Eddy, do you — do you think this common town 
robber has beat us to it and had the nerve to steal that treasure ? 
If he has, we're lost — lost — lost. 

Eddy. Come now, old man, our goose ain't pickled, not 
by a durn sight. Let's follow out directions and see where 
that gol darn treasure war. Now, where were we ? 

Strong {wandering about stage, followed by Eddy). Let's 
see; where were we? We weren't here? No. We were at 
the lucky sign. 

Eddy. Sure, by the omen. (They approach door.) And 
then we were three steps forward and four to the left. 

{They mark this over again.) 

Strong {reading). "Now walk directly north five paces 
and you will get your first view of the treasure." I've got it; 
follow me. {They take five steps to the right. This should 
land them directly in front of Fran, and Edw. ) Now we'll 
get our first view of Ebenezer Ebbetts' golden treasure. 

Eddy. Say, ain't this some excitin' ? 

Strong. Hush ! Watch for that golden treasure. 

{Turns light directly on sleeping countenances of Fran, and 
Edw. Pause. Strong turns in time to catch fainting 
Eddy.) 

Eddy {weakly). Save yourself, old man, save yourself. 



THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 1 7 

(Recovers.) Say, that's some treasure, believe me. Gosh ! 
Ain't Isry come yet? 

Strong. Hush ! Old man, it's very strange, but they're 
still asleep. We may get it yet. {Carefully closes window of 
post-office.) My dear fellow, the presence of these females 
adds zest to our stubborn fight. Come, we must have made a 
mistake in our direction. Let's do it again. 

Eddy. No, you do it; I've had all the treasure-hunting I 
ever want to see. 

Strong. Come, old man, a little nerve and the victory is 
ours. Think of some of our great men and the trials they 
endured on the very verge of success ! Think of Blaine ! 

Eddy (rising). You're right. I kind of showed yellow. 
But say, vva'n't you scared ? Just between you and me, sort 
of confidential like, a sight like that would make me jump in 
broad daylight, say nothing of darkness. 

Strong. Quick! {He goes to former position.) Let me 
read it again. {Reads.) "Now walk directly north five paces 
and you will get your first view of the treasure." 

Eddy. Say, Andrew, I've had enough views of that 'er 
treasure. Let's find another omen. {Starts to light pipe.) 

Strong {blowing out match). What are you doing ? We'll 
get pinched yet unless you're careful. (He takes five paces, 
tvhich lands him directly be?ieath rubber boot.) Now, where's 
that treasure view ? 

Eddy. Over there behind counter, I calculate, unless 
they've moved. 

Strong. Come! Come ! I mean where could that treas- 
ure be if it were within reach ? 

Eddy (eyeing boot). Might be in that there boot, but it 
ain't likely. 

Strong. Likely ! Why, that's the very place ! Get a 
chair ! (Eddy pulls up chair and Strong stands on it. ) 
Now, listen ! ( Very carefully he rattles boot. Coins clink. 
Bus. repeated.) At last ! (Strong gets dow7i off chair a?id 
clasps Eddy's hand.) Eddy ! 

Eddy. Andrew ! 

(A noise heard off R.) 

Strong. Eddy ! 

Eddy. Andrew ! Did you hear ? 

Strong. Quick, or we're lost ! 

(They jump behind counter, L.) 



1 8 THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 

Enter Isry, clad in night-gown and old-fashioned cap and 

wrapper. He carries candle. 

Isry. Wal, I swan ! I calculate I heard a noise, but maybe 
I was wrong. But still, some one's playing me a trick to-night, 
or I'll eat my head. 

Fran, (behind post-office). Good gracious, we're sur- 
rounded ! What shall I do? (Opens wi?idow.) Land's 
sake, there's Isry ! I must have been asleep. Edwina, 
awake ! 

Edw. What? What? Ah! I see him, the cur ! What's 
he doing, Francesca? 

Fran. I suppose he's getting out the whiskey. For once 
the foul fiend has risen to our bait. 

Edw. And our cause shall soon be won ; won for Ham- 
den's Reform League. Hush ! Watch him ! 

Isry. Seems kind of strange not to be selling liquor at this 
time of night, but it's kind of wise to lay low when the women 
start a- yelling. They sure can make some racket when they 
try to. Come to think of it, if that practical joker is going to 
pull off his burglar joke I wish he'd hurry, 'cause I'm gettin' 
almighty sleepy. (Picks up electric torch.) Jumping Jehoso- 
phat ! What's this a-doing here ? 

Strong. Curses! We're lost ! 

Eddy. I wish I was far away. Treasure-hunting ain't such 
fun as some folks think. 

Fran. Oh, dear! Edwina, he's coming this way ! 

Edw. No noise, or we're lost ! Ain't he acting strange? 

Isry (eyeing light). By Jove ! This be a burglar's 'lectric 
torch. Gosh durn it, maybe that letter really was from Nine- 
Fingered Pete, and he's been here already. (Sees " Good 

Luck' 1 sign.) Huh! What's this ? (Tzirtis quickly 

and sees " Nine- Fingered Pete" sign.) It can't be! No! 
No! My secret place discovered? All my money stolen? 
No, it can't be ! He couldn't have taken it, couldn't have 
seen it ! No ! No ! (Staggers.) 

Edw. Ain't he acting strange, Francesca? He is drunk; 
absolutely intoxicated ! 

Fran. Good gracious, Edwina ! Is he really drunk ? 

(Isry moves toiuard boot.) 
Stronc \ We ' re lost » ^ e 1S 8 ' m 8 f° r ^ e treasure. 



THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT I9 

Isry (his eyes lighting on chair). Oh ! They got it all 
right. My money, my treasure. I'm lost. Ruined ! Lost ! 
Ruined ! (He jumps onto chair sobbing. Eddy and Strong 
rise. Fran, and Edw. thrust their heads through ivindow. 
Snooze enters, d. c, unobserved. Isry flu /is shoe. It upsets 
sending a mass of coins and money tumbling dotvn over him. 
He falls on knees on floor and begins to collect coins.) It's 
here ! Hoo-ray ! It's here ! 

(Strong and Eddy fall on their knees beside him.) 

Strong. 



! 



- The treasure ! 
Eddy. 

(During the following scene, all are scrambling for the 
money.) 

Isry {terrified). Help ! Robbers ! Thieves ! Help ! 
Police ! 

Fran, (seizifig Isry by collar). Come, you intoxicated 
villain, I have you ! 

Isry. Let me go ! My treasure ! It's being stolen. Help ! 
Police ! 

Eddy. My treasure ! Help ! 

Strong. My treasure ! Help ! 

Edw. Our proof is certain. They are drunk, every blessed 
one of them. Hamden's Social Reform League has conquered. 
Help! 

Isry. You villain, Eddy. Let my money be. 

Eddy. It's my treasure. I knew it was thar. 

Isry. What ! Are you mad? {Rakes money.) 

Strong. Sure ! He saw it first. (Rakes money.) 

Isry. Who are you, you boiled onion ? Help I Thieves ! 

(Snooze recovers calm.) 

Snooze. " In the name of the law." 
Isry. Yes, in the name of the law. 
Eddy. It's the law, Andrew. 
Strong. The law ! Hooray ! 

Edw. The police ! Our case is complete. Hoo-ray ! 
Officer, arrest these midnight brawlers. 
Snooze. In the name of the law. 
Chorus. In the name of the law. 



20 THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 

Isrv. Eddy, it's going to go hard with you. Give me back 
my treasure. 

Eddy. Your treasure ? Bah ! My treasure. 

Isry. Everything you say now, Eddy, will be used against 
yuh. Take care. 

Eddy. You can't scare me, not by a dum sight, you old 

e gg- 

Isry. What? 

Snooze. Silence ! (Pause.) You are all under arrest. 

Isry. What? 

Edw N * ]( su rpris*t)> Us? 

irr }**-» 

Snooze (very dramatic). All. 

Chorus. What for ? 

Snooze. For buying and selling liquors in a prohibition 
state; that's what you're arrested for. {Pulls out revolver.) 

Chorus. It ain't true. 

Snooze. Keep quiet ! Do you hear ? 

Isry. I don't care about that but it's my treasure. Officer, 
I'll give you 

Snooze. Don't bribe an officer of the law ; you know what 
will happen. 

Isry. What ? 

Snooze. He'll accept it. 

Isry. Eddy, stop taking my money. Help 1 Thieves ! 

Chorus. Help ! Murder ! Thieves ! 

Enter Foggerty Young tvaving lanter?i and blunderbuss. 

Isry. Ah ! Thank goodness, Foggerty, you've come. I'm 
nearly ruined. 

Snooze. Who are you ? 

Young. Who be I ? 

Snooze. Yes, who are you ? 

Young. I'm the constable of Hamden. As for you, you're 
all under arrest. 

Chorus. Arrest? 

Young (waving blunderbuss). Sure pop ! You can't fool 
me. . Hurry up. 

Isry. But, Foggerty 

Young. Shut your face, Isry ; you're drunk. And after 



THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 21 

what the selectmen told you about selling liquors to-night, 
you'll get yours. 

*«-• } But not us? 

Young. Sure ! You, too ; and you'll get about six months 
for this if you get a day. 

Edw. Merciful heavens ! 

Eddy. But I ain't done nothing ! 

Young. You bet you have, and you'll get about ten years 
and your partner there will be likely to get life. {Turns on 
Snooze.) As for you, you'll get the chair. 

Snooze. What ! My good man, I'm Archenbachus Herod- 
otus Snooze. My card. 

Young (tossing card in air). That don't do you no good. 
You're under arrest. 

Snooze. My dear friend, I 

Young. No soft stuff. 

Snooze. Mr. Constable, by all the laws of the United States 
of America, you must inform us on what charge you arrest 
us? 

Chorus. That's right ! What charge ? 

Isrv. That's right, Foggerty ; you can't get around that. 

Young. On what charge ? 

Chorus. You bet I What charge ? 

Young. Why What charge ? Let me see. You 

ain't in no hurry? 

Snooze. No, indeed. Take your time, old man. I've 
been in your position many times. 

Young. You don't say. (He goes to stool, where he sits 
rolling head fr om side to side.) Ah ! I have it ! 

Chorus. What ? 

Young. I arrest every one in this room for being in an 
intoxicated condition. 

Chorus. Intoxicated condition ? 

Young. Yes, I guess that's it. 

Snooze. But we ain't. 

Enter Squire Peckham and Farmers, c. 

Young. You ain't intoxicated? You say you ain't in- 
toxicated ? 

Chorus. We ain't ! 

Squire (angrily). That's a lie. (General amazement.) 



2 2 THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 

Isry. Good gracious ! It's Squire Peckham. Say, 
squire 

Squire. Not a word. Not one single word. I am ashamed 
and grieved to learn that you, Isry Ebbetts, of all people, have 
broken your word to the selectman and sold whiskey to-night. 

Isry. But 

Squire. Not a word from you, Ebbetts ! I won't hear it. 
Now, as for the rest of you so happily engaged in buying this 
intoxicating beverage, I blush with shame. You, Edwina 
Bemis, reformer and prohibitionist, and you, Francesca 
Willetts, president of the school committee. How could you ? 
Ton my soul ! You too, Foggerty Young, swore to keep peace 
and order I This is too much ! 

Chorus. But, squire 

Squire. Not a word. Huh ! You too, Eddy Rias ! A 
fine way to start in your career ! Why don't you follow the 
example set by the men of worth ? 

Eddy. I do ; ain't you one ? 

Squire. Hamden considers me such, I believe. 

Eddy. But you was a-drinkin' down here last night, squire. 

{Moans from Edw. and Fran.) 

Squire. Am I to be insulted ? 

Farmers. No ! 

Squire. Am I, the head of the selectmen, chairman of the 
town council, to be insulted by such unmitigated liars ? 

Farmers. No ! 

Squire {to Farmers). I thank you. Now, Joe, let us give 
our undivided attention to the matter at hand. Take down 
everybody's name and address. After this see that they are 
safely lodged in the court- house. 

Chorus. But 

Squire. Not a word ! Your case will be tried to-morrow. 
Till then keep quiet. {Notices money.) Whose money is 
this? 

Eddy. ") 

Strong. >• So pleasing you, squire, it's mine. 

Isry. j 

Squire. Well, it won't be much longer. If you don't 
know better than to throw it around on the floor, the town bad 
better confiscate it. George, take care of that whiskey money. 

Third Farmer. Sure, that's the best thing I do. 

Isry. Jumping crickets ! Can I believe my ears ? 



THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 2% 

Young. Wal, of all the strange situations I have ever wit- 
nessed, this beats 'em all. 

Isuy. You're right. There is certainly a mix up some- 
where and if I ain't a-dreamin' then I must be awake ; but if I 
was a-dreamin' then I'd say I was having some dream. 



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